Splatt: Ouch! Was that a jab at the Shovelhead?
CLAUS: Well, I apologize to the Shovel riders, it's not their fault the Mo-Fo-Factory SUCKS. Mrs. Claus and the Elves got me one of those Harley Twin Cams last year, and it has so many troubles, the Scrooges at the Mo-Fo-Factory have earned themselves a spot on the naughty list for this one. So I guess Twinkies and Shovels give me a bad attitude.  Besides, living in snow year round, the word "Shovel" means I gotta go out and do the driveway again, which I HATE because I almost always find an elf or two that have been missing since last year, buried in the snow. I'm too old to shovel snow, and I HATE the word shovel!!

Splatt: You mentioned Sturgis. Have you ever been?
CLAUS: You're kidding, right? Are you kidding me? Me and Pappy Hoel (Sturgis founder ~ed) used to wrench together in the summers. That hill climb you see there, I won "Reindeer Class" every year til the early fifties when Dawner got that nasty hamstring injury flyin' over Korea. Look it up.

Splatt: That was then. Have you been to Sturgis lately? Now that it's geared for "family fun".
CLAUS: Hell, kid. You tell me. Every year you see three or four bozos riding a Honda Gold Wing up and down Main Street wearing a Santa suit. Even when it's 105 degrees! You think I'm stoopid enough to do something like that? Everybody and their chihuahua would be asking for autographs or telling me what to bring little Timmy that year. No way, man!  I mean, yeah, I'm there. Yeah, you've seen me. I'm the dude with the white beard wearing black leather.  What's nice about all those Bikers in the Black Hills is that I blend right in! Can you spell INCOGNITO? I visit the Reptile Farm, Bear Country USA, Rushmore, and NOBODY knows it's me!

Splatt: And Mrs. Claus? Does she make the scene?
CLAUS: No, I'm sorry to say that the influx of yuppy bikers and all the wussies ridin' TRAILERS these days finally got the better of her and she's given up on Sturgis. It's become a pose-fest. "Look at me, ain't I pretty?" It's not about riding anymore, it's about getting yer ego stroked. One year we actually saw these guys in a big ol' RV stopped alongside the road pulling EIGHT bikes off their trailer to get a picture of themselves sittin' on their bikes at the "Welcome to Wyoming" sign. Like they rode there or sumthin'!  I think if Sturgis just threw in the towel and declared it "Trailer Week" they'd probably hit their target demographic. That'd get all those pretty boy peacocks out of the closet once and for all and leave the roads to us real riders. As for Mrs. Claus, she'll do a few local toy runs every year, but she's really cut back her riding time. She's scared that if she breaks down, most of these newfangled "Bikers" won't even bother to stop and help her.

Splatt: You're right. People need to realize that being part of a "community" means helping one another. Ya stop for ANYONE on two wheels. That seems to have been forgotten. Speaking of breakdowns, has your sled ever had any mechanical problems to speak of?
CLAUS: Well, besides Dawner and that lame hamstring injury, I've only had a few minor instances of trouble. Nothing major to speak of. The only thing that saved me, and CHRISTMAS for that matter, was a good towing service. NOT AAA, mind you, they lobby against Biker friendly legislation. Screw 'em! Bikers should try http://www.road-america.com/ instead. If you're a HOG member, ya even get a discount! And it works! My red dresser spit out a mainshaft last year and they towed me to Engine Joe's for FREE! Ya can't beat that!

Splatt: Well, tell me, you've been around the world many, many times. You freeze your ass off every year so that good little children everywhere can experience the spirit of joy. Fashions have come and gone, yet I've noticed your riding apparel has nonetheless remained a constant throughout the years, and I was just wondering....
CLAUS: What? Besides the Widder electric vest and thermals...are you getting to the "helmet thing"?

Splatt: It was my next...
CLAUS: Kid, HELMET LAWS SUCK! Plain and simple.

Splatt: But, you fly into so many states wearing only a stocking cap, I mean, surely...
CLAUS: Son, it would take the Navy's entire Top Gun fleet to force me down and make me put on a helmet! You're not only messing with my freedom to choose how to dress myself as an adult, but yer also messing with Christmas here, and I REFUSE to wear a lid. Um...although Mrs. Claus DID sew a DOT emblem onto my stocking cap back in '95 just to get me thru California, like my friend Quig does. (Claus laughs joyously and heartily at this juncture, and the bowl of jelly rumor is true) Still, it should be my CHOICE! Remember that word? "Choice"? It's not about the helmet at all, it's about the choice. Helmet use is a safety issue. A personal decision. Helmet LAWS are POLITICS. Get it? The insurance companies PAY politicians to take it in the shorts and SELL your essential liberties for corporate profit. Unless you Bikers get involved and shake hands with your politicians in their district offices, they're gonna keep on representing the special interests.

"Yes, Virginia, there IS a Helmet Law.
I've made a personal choice here. There's an awful big difference between 'wanting' to wear a helmet and 'having' to wear a helmet just because 'they' think they know what's best for you."
~Santa Claus. www.bikernation.us interview 2007

Splatt: Easy for you to say, you're SANTA, the omnipotent. Nobody would mess with you. We, the people, we no longer have a choice.
CLAUS: That's where you Bikers are WRONG! You DO have a choice, and you choose to sit on your phat asses collecting genitalia shaped cheetos to sell on eBay! You live in a FREE country, blah, blah, blah. You CHOOSE to do nothing about your diminishing freedoms. You let the guys in your state's MRO (Motorcyclist Rights Organization) do all the work for you, while you shine up your glittery chrome doo dads in the driveway, and then ya' never bother to thank 'em when they help ya out. Ya spend $24.95 to buy a cheesy t-shirt that only advertises a Harley shop that just raped ya outta 3 hours of labor and STILL didn't fix the problem with your cruise control, but you're not willing to pay $25 bucks to protect the future of the sport? I don't get it. You guys practically DESERVE to have the EPA pushin' you off the road.

Splatt: Yeah, but....
CLAUS: Everybody I know has a big "BUTT".  Listen, I used to ride with a guy they called "Beezer Bert". He always explained it to me like this,  "Once our government was granted limited powers by the people. Now, our government grants limited privileges to the people."  Get it?

Splatt: So what do you suggest we do to regain our lost freedoms?
CLAUS: It's an attack on multiple fronts, just like Patton. It's called "Grass Roots Activism". It's called "Civil Disobedience." It's called "What the #%$* are you pansie-assed elf-lickers waiting for?" Ya go out and get helmet tickets and PROVE to the courts there's no such thing as a "DOT Approved" lid. Ya get involved with your local MRO and do something about it. Stop whining and get busy! Ya' work the campaigns of Biker friendly candidates, ya' write letters, ya' donate money to help your MRO's PAC. (Political Action Committee) You work with your legislators and if they don't understand essential liberties, ya work to replace 'em. Lemme tell ya, I deliver to some really messed up countries around the world, where if you speak your mind, you get your throat slit. Youse guys got it real easy in the states. Stop being VICTIMS and take charge of your own destiny! Sheesh! Ever hear of civil disobedience? You ride around with a dixie cup strapped to your head labeled "DOT", ya get a ticket and ya fight it thru the court system, it's not like they neuter ya or anything. You don't lose your job or anything. If youse guys were to clog the court system with trivial helmet tickets, all the while knowing there IS NO LIST OF STATE APPROVED "SAFE" HELMETS, the other side would end up yelling "UNCLE".

Splatt: OK, thanks for telling us how you really feel. Getting back to Christmas, what's your opinion on the recent attacks on Christmas? Cities are banning nativity scenes. Stores using the phrase "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" and all this politically correct mumbo jumbo? Is it all bad for business at Santa Claus Inc.?
CLAUS: I'm sending a Christmas card to the ACLU. (Santa turns away, indignant)

Splatt: What? Pardon me? You're sending a Christmas card to the ACLU? The American Civil Liberties Union? Aren't they the ones who promote diversity by working the judicial system to exterminate it? If one is to believe they're Godless commies, what good will it do to send them a Christmas greeting?
CLAUS: Look. Money makes the world go round. EVERY envelope they receive at ACLU headquarters might have money in it, right? That means if TEN TONS worth of Christmas greetings show up in the mail, they've gotta waste the resources to open EVERY single piece of mail, just in case there's one thin dime in there, right? Consider it my gesture of good will, and I'm mailing my card to: ACLU 125 Broad Street 18th Floor New York , NY 10004 . My opinion, if I'm even entitled to one anymore, is that they're Jihad with a law degree and more than quite a few of them got lumps of coal while growing up! I think they oughta change their acronym to read, "Anti Christian Lawyers Union".  Diversity means having respect for the cultures and beliefs of others, not trying to burn their traditions to hopefully be forgotten. Doesn't that sound similar to Nationalsozialismus to you? Maybe these guys oughta actually try living in a communist country elsewhere before they try bringing it here. The Reds didn't build the Berlin Wall to keep people OUT, they built that wall to keep people IN. I should know, I used to fly in there. I've dodged at least a dozen Russian MIGs over the years to get outta that hell hole.  That Reagan kid, he turned out alright.

Santa fumbles in his front pocket for a moment, then produces a Christmas card strewn in red velvet. The card reads:

Dear ACLU,
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Sincerely, Santa "I Know Where You Live" Claus

Splatt: You're getting off topic and a little too political for us, Santa.
CLAUS: Well excuse me for livin'! You seem to forget, kid, I deliver to the White House too! And a lot of what I believe in comes from delivering to children at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The new kids have brought such joy into my life....they're good kids....ah, they've given me something to look forward to again!  I used to regret stopping there, ya know, at the White House. Now, holiday gift giving is FUN again! But somebody's been spiking the eggnog, ho, ho, ho!

Splatt: What do you mean? Has the Secret Service hassled you in the past?
CLAUS: Oh no, of course not! Me and the kids from Treasury, we've got an understanding. See, they forget all about that Patriot Act voodoo and I slip them Ray Ban sunglasses. Those cute little transistor radio earpieces? That's me! Made in the North Pole, Mutha &$%#ah! They never get bored because they get to listen to talk radio all day long! But lemme tell ya, I sure was glad to see that last family go. The late 90's... (Santa pauses, sighs, then slumps over, appearing somewhat exasperated. Santa draws a deep breath, the twinkle in his eye fades into a glazed, distant stare, his focus toward the floor)

Splatt: Santa, are you alright? You mentioned a stop at the White House in the late 90's and then fell silent as the night. What's wrong, Santa? Are you OK? I know the former first family was a little misguided and all, but they're still basically good people, aren't they?
CLAUS: Well, after Chelsea had gone off to Stanford, they kept leaving me stale pork rinds instead of cookies & milk. And as I stood there in frustration one night, I heard a faint rustling sound behind me, "whisk whump whisk whump whisk". So I slowly turned around, expecting the worst...and...well...there she was, ...(gasp)...Hillary, standing there by the chimney flume...in a revealing teddy. Big horse-toothed crooked smile on her face. Asking me for a, for a, well, asking me for a "stocking stuffer". (sigh) Blocking... well, blocking the chimney. I, I couldn't get by her, without....UGH! Turn off the recorder, please. Tissue.

Santa abruptly ended the interview at this point and left the room. He staggered clumsily, awkwardly fumbling for the doorknob, leaving his kerchief behind, his cookies untouched. We later learned from one of the taller elves that he's been visiting a hypnotherapist down in Nome, a few times each week since the heinous White House seduction took place. We'd like to thank Santa for the advice about freedom. We also want Santa to know that we empathize, and we wish him all the luck in the free world at shaking off that horrid skunk-smell of Hillary.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command can help kids
TRACK SANTA's FLIGHT!
CLICK HERE to visit NORAD's Santa Tracker at http://www.noradsanta.org

CLICK HERE to visit Claus.com for fun stuff to do with your kids!

Santa Fun Facts

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if there ever was a pagan myth such as Santa, he'd surely be dead by now! But we believers know better. We know he exists in all of us. Ride On, Santa! Ride On!

Merry Christmas to All, and to All, a Good Ride!
~splatt